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5th February 2007
It's been a very long road, and here we are. It has been entirely too long since I've felt your warmth and embrace, but I wish to change all of that this instant. How have you been my dear? Have you thought about me hate way I've thought about you? SInce we last spoke a lot of things have happened. I have a job now, I work at KFC. Some days are alright, other days are not so good. I wish I would have told you sooner. I began going to Cape Henry again since our last conversation. It's been nice reigniting and repairing old friendships that I was afraid were surely fizzle. I wish I would have told you sooner. I have been doing college applications and making preparations to be a real adult in the real world. This process has been a strenuous one, and I have grown weary of even participating in it, but I realize that I need to continue my education to further perpetuate a successful career and life. It is hard for a young black male to make it in this world, and College will help me get closer to closing the education and income gap. When I think about this process in this light, I appreciate all the work that I have done, and also the work that everyone who has helped me along the way has done. I just wish I would have told you sooner. I know you have been watching over me, checking on my daily routine, but with how busy I can get it seems that I don't have time for you. What I failed to realize is that without you there is no me. You are who I am, and all that I hope to be. You hold the key to all my hopes, and aspirations. My likes and dislikes. My emotions, my mind. How I have missed you. But no I promise that I will never hurt or dessert you again. You are my gift from God, and I will no longer allow you to sit on my shelf. You are my love, you are my writing.
24th January 2006
Wow it has been entirely too long since I posted something in my live journal. For approximately three months I haven't used this so I could get out whatever I am feeling. Even though no one is probably going to read this since it has been so lng, I figure I might as well post anyway because I do not feel like doing my Chemistry homework just yet. So I was sitting in English and trying to pay attention to what was being said and all of a sudden I got this urge to write a poem. I knew I was going to be a little rusty because it had been a long time since I wrote a poem but I figured I would give it the old college try. So if anyone reads this I don't really understand the poem I wrote but maybe you can. It's a shame when the author doesn't even know what he is talking about but that is just how it turns out in this case. So if you are out there here it is. :
Everything is feeling strange.
Everything is going to change.
Everything that you deal with is never an even exchange.
Everything will not be easy.
Everything is not always breezy.
Everything is manipulated if that is what it needs to be.
False perceptions and deceptions are prevalent because they are allowed. People playing silly games games sitting ignorant and proud. If others would debate , to stop the hate then everything may change. Forget race and color, love your brother this should not be so strange. These are only my words simple nouns and verbs, available, for an exchange. But if I don't pass the time with making them rhyme will you question my writing range? As I'm wandering and I'm close to the brink. I stop and ponder and use my brain to think. I reflect on the effect of my own dialect. And I wonder why my thoughts are so obscenely direct. The paper is begging for the for the pen's touch and caress. And without it it feels hurt and under duress. Time after time and line after line can you perceive my complex design? Do you understand or should I take you by the hand and guide you like it were a late night walk on the sand? How is it for you is my vocabulary too dense? Or is it easy to comprehend does it all make sense? It is what it is it is evident and clear to know. I Just want to create a classic like Mozart did on the Piano. Or more recently like R. Kelly with Trapped in the Closet. The paper is the bank and I wish to make a deposit. If I was a dark poet, and much closer to a stoic then I could have all these emotions and not even show it. However that isn't so, I let my emotions go, so if there are tears running down my face I allow them to flow. Because for me it is not an issue, I just need a little time and a little tissue. I am content with all my tears as I let them wash away all of my fears and painful years.
22nd October 2005
So I'm sitting up late a night trying to pull about 4,462 quotes out of this summer reading book that I didn't read. I'm going to be up all night and I haven't updated in a while so I thought I would log on and see what I could come up with. I don't know if anyone is going to read this because I received a grand total of 0 comments on my past 2 entries. So if no one read this or if every Asian American citizen reads this (there's alot of them, somebody gotta run all the Chinese food joints) I'm going to just write until I don't feel like typing another letter. So why do I write? Why do all people who keep a journal such as this which is for public display, or that keep a diary which has a key and is quietly tucked in your old pillowcase write? I think it is because writing is the ultimate way to express oneself. When you write your thoughts, your views, you as a person cannot be censored. You cannot hide from yourself. Behind your writing all the "mask" that everyone wears on a daily basis is stripped away and it is you in your rawest form. Many people attempt to differentiate what is good writing what is bad writing. If their task is determine what qualifies as "good" writing they will be on a never ending quest. I feel this way because their is no such thing. How can you say that one person writes better than another. Yeah maybe one is a Harvard graduate who can use 75% of the words found in a Thesaurus in proper context, just because he can do that doesn't make him any better than the TCC student who has 20 volumes of a journal that they have kept since age 7. That is the problem with America. We as Americans try to raise ourselves up to be better than the next guy. We have forgotten as a nation how to build each other up. How to boost someone else's confidence. How to make someone feel like they have made a difference in your life. Why is it this way you may ask? I feel it is just human nature. It is our natural inclination to try to be the "King of the Hill", to be the " Head Honcho". With all of us trying, striving, vying to be at the top, is it really that special. And even if it is possible to be the top guy wouldn't it be lonely on top? The answer to this is simple, of course it would be. If you were better than everyone else how would relate with anyone? How could you share your hopes, dreams, fears, happiness, despair, with anyone when you are "better" than them. This problem will always exist until we all realize that what we are doing is wrong. So I'm challenging anyone who decides to take a little bit of time out of their life and read what's going on in the mind of Kyle to do something out of the ordinary. Compliment that person who you usually show disdain for. Hold the door a few seconds longer so the person seceding you doesn't have the door slammed in their face. Instead of pointing out the negatives in an individual first, as we all typically do, try to see the positives, because if you look hard enough you will always find some. Let the pros outweigh the cons for once in your life. Kiss and hug your parents and tell them you are happy that they have always been there for you, and how much you love them. I know parents can make you mad because you didn't get to go to the mall that one time, didn't get the exact cell phone you wanted, and they claim to know everything. You must realize that they do generally know more about the world than you give them credit for. They also know more about the world than you do for the simple fact that they have lived here longer. Treat them how you would want your children to treat you. I'm sure you would not want your children showing you the blatant disrespect that you may show to them constantly. Walk up and introduce yourself to someone new. Get out of your comfort zone. That is something we all struggle with because we usually enjoy how we live our life that is why it is comfortable. But who is bold enough, is daring enough, has the audacity to step out of it every now and then. Who can test the waters and see what else and who else s out there. It is important so that you do not get stuck in your daily routine. The daily grind is boring, and it makes life so predictable. Who wants to live like that? I know I don't that's why I am issuing the same challenge to myself. I guarantee if you and try out a few of these things I've said you will receive a fulfillment in your life that you never thought possible. Now I'm not preaching to anyone, this is just my philosophy. You don't have to hear a listen to a word I'm saying a brother is just in a philosophical kind of mood, like a young, black, fresh to death Socrates. Well for a late-night entry when I'm mad tired and still have about 4,461 quotes to go I think I did alright. I hope I was able to help somebody with something. These are just my thought processes, you can love them,hate on them, think I should stop writing forever, it doesn't really matter cause as long as I'm proud of what I put out at the end of the day then I'm straight. Until next time Boys and Girls. Be Easy.
30th September 2005
TAG, I'm it
THE RULES: List five songs that you are currently loving. It doesn't matter what genre they are from, whether they have words, or even if they're any good, but they must be songs you're really enjoying right now. :
Um ight there is so many because as most of you know I'm really big on music but lets go with
1. Makin Whoopee- Ray Charles
2. Unchain My Heart- Ray Charles
3. What I'd Say- Ray Charles
4. I've Got A Woman- Ray Charles
5. Air Forces- Young Jeezy
I guess you can tell I'm going through a Ray Charles phase. He was so real. You can feel every word he is singing to you. If you don't believe me take a listen and you will see. Well that's all folks. Forbes- Out. ( Ryan Seacrest is wack as hell)
20th September 2005
I know you are mad at me. You say it all the time. I'm always neglecting you,I always act like I have something better to do. I always forget about you. I go on with my daily routine and leave you out. You know I couldn't forget you though right? Without you where would I be? When I have some great mental breakthrough you are the first person I tell. When I am stressing out over something, you are the first person I consult to help me cope. When I thought all hope was lost, you stuck by me. You even told some of my friends how bad I was feeling and they offered me some advice. I promise I don't do it on purpose. It's just I always have homework, or chores to do. I might talk on the phone to a person or two. That doesn't mean I don't think about you. I vow right now that I will visit you more often. The last time we spoke we had a very long, in-depth conversation didn't we? SO don't think for a minute that you aren't still important. That you are no longer loved, or cherished. I know I used to hate on you a while back, I said I would never talk to you. And that all your friends that do, just did because they had nothing better to do with their lives. Well I apologize. I was wrong. I wish I would have never said those mean, and hurtful things. I hope you can find it in your heart, to forgive me for my transgressions. I know you can. You have a heart as big as the oceans, and as pure as 14 karat gold. Once again I apologize for the ways I've wronged you, and made you feel deserted as if I no longer cared to be in your company. I hope you can accept my apologies, and that you still love me, the way i still love you.
28th August 2005
Everything you wanted to know, now maybe you understand
It's been along time. A lot of things have happened, and as usual when my life throws me on twist and turns I have to take some time and reflect on what is going on. I think I might just pour my heart out on this entry. So everyone can truly see why I may act a certain way or do certain things. Let’s start it on July 20th. I was scheduled to come back home, Virginia Beach, the place I have missed for so long because everyone that I truly love is here. So while I'm riding and talking to one of my mom's friends who made the ride feel like an interrogation with all of the questions she kept asking me she recieved a phone call. Now she had gotten about 6 calls before we even reached North Carolina but this call was different, this call changed everything. It was my stepmom LaTisha Cokley. When she said " Hey LaTisha" a million thoughts were running through my head. I was wondering for what possible reason could she be calling for, because I had a feeling it wasn't to check on Corey's and my well being. So they small talked for a minute and then she said I’ll have Rhonda call you when we get there. So through this whole trip I'm wondering what is going on. What did she want? Did I do something? Did Corey do something? So instead of letting my brain overload on what could possibly be happening I went to sleep. It was one of the best naps ever. So we get to my mom's place of residence. It's hugs and kisses and more kisses all around. I can tell she has really missed Corey and me. We are all she has. And honestly she is all I have. I love my mom with everything I have. I could not ever imagine having another woman be my mother. It would just be plain unnatural. I was so happy to see her because there is only so much a phone call can do. So Corey, my mom, and I were just sitting catching up, laughing, just like we used to do. It was as if we had never left. Like everything was back to normal, back to how we all were dying for it to be, the way it was intended to be. Then the phone rings. It was my mom's friend Lisa Bargery, this is the woman that brought us home. I already have something against her because she played a hand in sending me to South Carolina in the first place. So they talk for a little while and then she says something and my mom burst into tears and I'm thinking, " What could she had possibly said to make my mom cry like that". It tears me up inside because I can't stand to see my mom cry. It makes me want to cry just thinking about it while I'm writing this. So they hang up and I'm saying to my mom what's wrong. She tells me that LaTisha called and said " things just aren't working out" and that they do not want Corey and I to come back. So then everything clicks. At first it was surprising, this was only supposed to be a two-week visit. Then I realized that is how my dad and LaTisha had calculated it. They had that planned for a while. They would send us out and then say don't come back. Let me tell you, I have the best father in the world. If there were a best dad competition he would win it by a landslide. They all thought he was such a great man. He was me and Corey's "savior", he was willing to take us both in. What a great guy. But they didn't know the things I knew. They didn't know the real John Cokley. I did. I warned them. I told them it wasn't going to work out. That we would not really be cared for down there. They didn't want to hear it. " He's a 15 year old kid what does he know" is what they were probably saying. I don't think I was the average 15 year old kid though. Things effect me differently, I think I tend to see things in a different light then most people my age. At 15 most kids are impulsive, testosterone or estrogen going, hormones raging. Not me. I tend to look around a situation from every possible angle, every possible viewpoint, and every possible light. Some may say I'm over analytical, others may say I'm too cautious. I do it to protect myself. To protect myself from getting hurt, when 9 times out of 10 it happens anyway. Well a long story short I guess I was right and they were wrong, I hope the fact that they made two kid's lives hellacious for a good 8 months will nip at their conscious daily. That was a lot to take in on a Wednesday. A day when I was returning home, a day when I was so happy. Nothing happened on that Thursday. It was strange a day with no drama, no pain, I think I'm going to treasure Thursday July 21st 2005. Mark it on my calendar as a day when everything was all good. Then came Friday. We all went to the movies. It was My Mom, Corey, Lisa Bargery, Chandler, Hailey, (which are her daughters), some girl they were friends with, and of course myself. So Corey and I went to see Fantastic Four, my mom Wedding Crashers, and I don't remember what they went to see. I do remember just looking at Corey in the Movie Theater, just so captivated, so interested in what he was seeing, so joyous. It was beautiful. I love him so much. It's hard to even think about how much because words cannot express. Yes at times he can play the annoying little brother role, a role he has down to a science, but I still love him with all I have. I don't even care what all went wrong with me in South Carolina. It hurts me more that he wasn't happy there. That he had to deal with all that bullshit that others put him through. That he would wake up crying in the middle of the night and that I would have to calm him down, kiss him on the cheek, and tell him I love him and everything would be okay. That he didn't get any new clothes the whole time we were there. That he didn't get any new shoes while we were there. That he got spankings from a man whom is not even his father. A man that is not even my father. A man that shouldn't even be a father. That he got teased on the bus. That he would get teased at home. That he couldn't see and talk to his mom everyday. That he would get in trouble for the smallest things. That he wasn't feeling loved by his two "parents" in South Carolina. That he was forced to become someone he is not. That he harbors so much pain and anger. That he cannot be a normal 9-year-old child. I wish I could take all his pain, all his problems, and all his troubles and make them into my own. I would carry his burdens for him gladly, just because I would know that he was alright. I miss him so much. So all in all I think he liked the movie, I didn't care for it that much. So then we went in the mall and I got a cell phone. Something I had been begging for. Something I asked my dad for on both the major gift-giving days. But of course he came up short. That's what dad's are for right? I was so happy when I got it. I was like now I can talk to everyone again. Maybe I can mend some friendships, since we will be able to talk more often now. Catch up with what's going on with them. Then we went back home. Well my mom's old home. So were sitting there watching TV Then the phone rings. And it's none other than LaTisha. And she breaks the news to my mom, again. My mom starts crying, again. And all I’m thinking is no not, again. So my mom wanted to know what exactly was the problem why were they telling us not to come back. She stated that they could tell we didn't want to be there. HaHa No shit, a blind person could see that, I still attempted to make it work, honestly I did. I tried to do the good big brother thing when I don't like any of my stepsisters, and I hardly like my half-sister and she's only 1. She stated that we broke house rules, that we didn’t do chores. Then I thought back to something she said a few days before we left. She was like “ Ooh Kyle I’m going to have to buy you the new Jordan’s because you are the only one who always does what we ask, always does his chores, we never have any problems with you”. Then she told me to get online pick out a pair and she said she would order them in the next couple days. She got me. She got me good. I was actually thinking, considering, hoping that it might happen, I should have perished the thought. Still, it was true I always tried to stay on the top of my game, I always tried to do what was asked of me, and not complain about it, hoping that they would be able to see that I really was trying to make it work. Then she said some money was stolen. That’s when a huge red flag went up. Was she actually trying to say that I stole money from them? When I’ve caught her daughter not once but twice stealing from me. It’s quite entertaining to think about how dumb her daughter is. Let’s recap the first time. You are supposed to believe that in your own room your belongings are safe, clothes, shoes, money etc. Well it seemed that every time I would break a big bill since you all know I’m a baller so I have a lot of those, money would come up missing. One’s and Five’s. I thought nothing of it maybe like the first 2 times. I thought that maybe I misplaced it no big deal. But then when it kept happening I said somebody is stealing from me and I’m gong to catch him or her. My main suspect was my stepsister Shaundria. She is 11 years old. She is the most annoying person I think I have ever met. She also has the most crucial hygiene issues that a human has ever had. She would go days and days without showering. And I’m not kidding. I think the most I counted was 6 days straight. How do I know this you may wonder? It’s quite easy. She had on the same bootleg jersey dress on. But no, no, no she didn’t take it off when it was time to go to sleep she would sleep in it, wake up go about her day, and when it came to be bedtime again, she would sleep in it again, wake up to a new day, and do it all over again. It got to the point when I would stay outside all day because the odor was something you didn’t want to fuck with. She could make the Iraqi insurgents surrender if she lifted her arms up. Anyway, she was my main suspect because I had caught her taking stuff from me prior to this incident. It was just like candy or gum but the fact of the matter was she had no problem taking something that didn’t belong to her. Also I knew it wasn’t Corey because he is too good to do something like that. And I didn’t think it was my stepsister India. Although I wouldn’t put it past her. She watches and imitates everything her big sister does so eventually she will be exactly like her. She has hygiene problems too. Actually she did the nastiest thing I think I’ve ever witnessed. She was sick one night and she vomited on herself. It was everywhere on her arms on her shirt just everywhere. So she the got up the next day feeling better I presume, because she was outside playing and running around and having a good time. One problem, she still had the same clothes on that she threw up on the night before it was all over her shirt and her pants there was even some residue on her face and her arms. If I ever throw up on myself common sense, and since I don’t have any cleanliness issues tells me to go hop in the shower. No not her she thought that was just fine. To make matters worse we had company come over and she stayed in those exact same clothes. She went to sleep and when I saw her the next day, surprise, surprise she still had those same clothes on. Her mom had to force her to take a shower. If she hadn’t she would probably still been in those clothes as I type. Back to the money. I started thinking how could I catch her, how could I get her to get herself caught, since she is not at all intelligent. Then I came up with this idea. I took all of my money flipped it over to the back, took a pen and wrote 757 on the back of it. Paying tribute to my home of course. So later my cousin’s, Corey, and I were going to walk to this store called The Country store, pretty creative huh? So as were about to head out of the door she comes running saying, “ Wait let me go get my money so y’all can buy me something”. No harm in that. So she hands me two dollars and some change. So we head off. When we get half way there I have this sudden urge to turn the dollars over. So I did it. Hey maybe I am a little impulsive. I look at the bottom one of the dollars is a regular dollar. But wait what’s that on the other one oh it’s the numbers 757 in black pen. HAHA I got that little bitch. I had witnesses and everything. I was so happy someone was gonna get their ass whipped tonight was what I was thinking. So we get what we need from the store and head back home. We walk in the door and she is like “ where is my stuff”. And I said I don’t get things for people who steal from me. Her face dropped I know she was thinking “ oh shit that nigga caught me” and I was thinking “ Yea you little punk ass bitch I caught you” So then she called her mom saying I was lying on her and all that. I said I could prove it and I would show my dad when he got home. So I told him the whole story about money kept showing up missing, and how I wrote on the back, and all that. And he says “ Alright I’ll handle it”. So I’m thinking all right finally some justice. And man I’ll tell you what I would have hated to be her that day he wore her little tail out she was crying for hours. Well not really she wasn’t crying for hours. Actually she didn’t cry at all. She had no reason to. He didn’t do anything. She wasn’t in trouble. Nothing happened. Nothing at all. Well on to the second time this was bigger, it was major. This happened the day I was leaving to come back home. July 20th 2005. I woke up around 4:45 because I was so excited I took my shower, got dressed, I was ready to go by 5:15. So then I checked to make sure I had everything. Bag packed- Check, Corey’s bag packed- Check Corey’s clothes out- Check, wallet- Check. No wait where is my wallet? I put it in my pants pocket the night before so I wouldn’t forget it. So I’m thinking maybe it fell out of my pocket so :
I’m tearing my closet up looking for my wallet. Throwing blankets and shoes and bags and whatever else is in the way. I wake Corey up and ask him to help me look because he finds everything. Even with his help I can’t find it. I look under my bed, behind my dresser just everywhere. Then I thought and said that maybe it’s not in here. I thought to my self someone took it. And I think we all know who I believed that someone was. None other than the infamous Shaundria. So I thought to myself if I was an uneducated, unattractive, and had a phobia of soap and water where would I put a wallet I stole? Of course my purse. So I walked in their room got her purse and opened it and what is this little black leather compartment I see. Oh it’s my wallet. With all of my money still in it just waiting to be spent. So again I go to the enforcer of the house the one everyone is afraid of my big and bad dad. I show him the wallet in the purse. And she wasn't going to just get away with a few dollars this time. She could have done some damage with that amount of money. I’m thinking “ Corey got a spanking for eating a peanut butter sandwich the night before (yes for eating a peanut butter sandwich) so surely she has to get in a lot of trouble for taking a wallet the has a pretty substantial amount of money in it”. Did she get in trouble? I don’t know actually because we left and as we left she woke up and I was walking out the door and she was calling me to come back for something. I didn’t. Hopefully that is the last time I ever have to see her. So if anyone stole money from LaTisha it was probably her very own daughter. My mom’s feelings were very hurt. I told my mom I swear on everything I love that I never stole anything from anyone at anytime and I’ll attest to that until the day I die. So where were we going to go from here we were stuck. We just tried to laugh everything off. Then came Saturday. Charlie came and picked me up so we could chill for a little bit. I told him I had a prior obligation, which was to attend Niraj’s birthday party. He had other plans. He wanted to chill with some other people. So he asked me to ask Niraj if they could come. Not to sit or eat but just so they didn’t have to sit in the car. Niraj tentatively but graciously agreed. I was very thankful that he did so although I was uncomfortable asking him to do so. So we arrived and I was happy to see everyone some people might have been surprised to see me. Maybe they didn’t know I was coming. Then Charlie and I sit down and I could feel the tension between Charlie and Alex. I tried to tune it out but it was clear that Alex was uncomfortable. It was written all over his face. Luckily my mom called and said I had to return home, because it was kind of strange. I will address the whole Charlie and Alex situation on a later entry. So I bid adieu to everyone and we were off. I went home and went to sleep. We come to Sunday. I got up early because we had to go to church. It was nice seeing some of the people that were there. They always seemed to like me, however I don’t really have the same feelings for any of them. Later Alex texted me saying that everyone was going out to dinner and did I want join and I said sure. So we all got together and went to California Pizza Kitchen. It was fun we all talked and laughed and things of that nature. However, It felt kind of different. I could sense a space between the people who were there and myself. It felt weird since I hadn’t seen them in such a long time. It was like I shouldn’t be there, like I didn’t belong, like I didn’t fit. So on the way back to my mom’s I get a phone call and it’s Charlie. It was a mistake for me to pick u the phone because that’s when the Charlie bashing started happening. Mainly because the two people that don’t like him the most were in the car with me. It was just this and that and that and this, it all got pretty old really quick. I didn’t really know how to handle the situation so I guess I just tried to laugh it off and let it go before it continued. What happened that next week was all a blur until Thursday. That was the day I went over Alex’s house. It was fun. We just chilled and I got a haircut that Friday. Of course his mom had a million questions to ask me just like always. With all the questions she asks she probably knows more about me than I do. It’s all good though, I don’t mind answering her questions, and I’m used to them by now. We also went to the movies that Friday. We saw Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. I really enjoyed it surprisingly. I didn’t think I was going to like it as much as I did. Then came Saturday. I had to leave Alex’s because I was going to North Carolina with Charlie. So Charlie and two of our friends RJ and Guy came to the door. Alex didn’t come to see me off. Which was understandable, but I wished he had been the bigger man. So while we are riding Charlie gets a phone call and he asks me who this one number was. I told him that was Morgan’s number and I thought that was weird she was calling him, as did he but he didn’t say it in the nicest way possible. So we get to the beach house and we are all getting situated. Then either I called Morgan or she called me I don’t really remember but I was talking to her. Then I make the fatal mistake of putting the phone down where Charlie can get to it. I’m in the bathroom and I hear Charlie say, “ Why did you call my phone?” That’s all I had to hear. I knew from that point on Morgan was going to be upset with me. I got the phone from and apologized to her. She didn’t want to hear it all I heard was a click. A little bit later a “text battle”ensues. Now why these two 16 year old teens would continuously text each other insults back and forth for at least a half hour is beyond me. I think it was, no I think it is childish. I don’t know why I would surround myself with people who would behave so immaturely and elementary but the fact of the matter is I do. Somehow a little bit latter another epic “ text battle” breaks out. This time it is between Charlie and Alex. I don’t know who said what, all I know was I wish the childish behavior would come to an end. I come home on Sunday hug and kiss my mom, eat dinner, and go to sleep. Corey was at the Russell’s house, kind of a precursor to what happens later. Monday it is time to go on an apartment hunt. We need to find somewhere to live because Corey and I are back in Virginia, for good. So we’re looking through apartment books and things of that nature we see some we like, and we mark those pages. Tuesday someone who I at one time adored and thought had a chance in getting his status back officially lost the last bit of respect I had for him. That person was my uncle Randy Forbes. He’s done a lot for me. However, lately he’s done more to hurt me. It’s not that he is hurting me or saying things to hurt me, it’s the things he says to my mom or about my mom. If he keeps slipping up with his tongue he’s going to feel my fist to his mouth. I put my life on that. Anyway he decided to take us to McDonalds to try to coax us into going back to South Carolina. He’s saying all of this “ I’ve talked to your dad and he does want you back” and all this other stuff. He stuck his nose where it didn’t belong, nobody asked him for his help with anything. That’s where he fucked up big time. I was just like “ take me home, we have nothing further to discuss” and that was that. I haven’t spoken to him since. I haven’t spoken to my dad since I’ve been here. I don’t plan too anytime soon. He told me not to tell my mom about the things we discussed, to keep it between us. I told my mom as soon as I walked in the door. Nobody controls my mouth but me and I’ll tell anybody anything that I want to. Wednesday, we actually go out and look at some apartments with a friend of my mom’s. She was very helpful throughout all of this. I really did appreciate everything she did to help us out. We find the one we want. We can move in on August 17th, I can’t wait for that day. Then the day came that almost changed and did change my life, again. Friday August 5th, 2005.The person’s house we were staying in was named Mike Dempsey. I had liked him. That was before he did something that a lot of people do, they do something that makes me lose all respect for them. What he did was major. Something I couldn’t believe he had the audacity to do. He called Social Services on my mom. He was trying to have my brother and I put into Foster Care. He wanted us to go into the system. My mom lost it, she broke down she was crying hysterically. I considered crying, but then I said no not this time, I’m going to handle this one my way. The Social Worker’s name is Kirsten Korvack. She talked a big game how she wasn’t trying to take us away and that’s the last thing she would ever want to do. But the fact of the matter is that was what she was there to do, that was her job. So she interviewed my mom, then me, then Corey. She said that Mike said we could stay for the weekend but on Monday we had to leave, no excuses. My mom told her none of this would be necessary we had plans on moving out anyway. Then she said that she didn’t believe my mother was mentally or physically ready to care for Corey and myself. Who was she to judge what my mom can do? My mom can do anything she puts her mind to, and I won’t let anyone tell me otherwise. She said that she would have to contact some doctors to see if my mom was able. That never happened.Monday rolls around and we aren’t gone yet, he is getting all anxious then one of my mom’s friends comes to get us. Her name is Melissa Forrest. She probably viewed herself as a big time hero. She can think that in her own mind. I see it as trying to fix the problem you helped cause. If they would have never got involved I would have never been in South Carolina in the first place and that would have saved us all the heart ache and tears that were soon to come. All she kept saying way everything would be okay, that she wasn’t going to let anything bad happen to us, and she kept saying “ I love you”. Then it hit me. She felt very guilty. It was tearing her up inside. I would feel the same way if I knew I had destroyed not one but two people’s lives. Yeah I would feel very guilty about that. The next day the Social worker came and checked out their house. To make sure there were good living conditions. Then she crushed me with a devastating blow. Since my dad is not Corey’s biological father Corey did not have to return to South Carolina, but I didn’t have the pleasure of being so lucky. She said that if my dad wanted to he could come get me at any time and there was nothing that I could do to stop it. This was painful. I couldn’t believe it. So many things were running through my head. After she left Mrs. Forrest took me outside. She wanted to talk to me and she was saying all this stuff and then she said “ I think it’s best that you return to South Carolina to try to build a relationship with your dad, how do you feel about that?” I looked her in her eyes I stood up and walked back in the house, without saying a word. I guess she got the picture. Then Wednesday Corey’s life changed. The Russell Family said they really wanted Corey to live with them and I knew he would want to. He loves Ryan to death. I wish I could have the type of bond they have with most of my friends. They formed a very strong relationship at such a young age, that it almost like they are brothers, and soon they will be, officially. That was great finally Corey could have peace of mind. He deserved it. It’s rough to be 9 and have to experience all that he did. I still miss him a whole lot. That cute little smile and the hugs and kisses. But as long as he’s happy so am I. Then it came to me. There were no offers coming, I was devastated, I didn’t know what to do. Then I had an idea. I was going to do something I hadn’t done in a while. I got down on my knees and asked God for help. This entry is not religious by any means but I’m just telling you what I did. I asked him to help me and anyone else anywhere that was going through some type of struggle, anyone who needed help, to put a hand on them and guide them. Then the phone rang. It was Miguel P. Tate. He said that he and his family really wanted me to come stay with them. That they would like nothing more than for that to happen. God heard my prayers and he answered them, rather quickly. Finally everything was looking up. So everything was good. Mrs. Tate talked to Mrs. Temme and she said I would be able to come back to Cape Henry, so by this point I’m putting my life back into to focus. The way I feel it was meant to be. I really enjoy living with the Tate’s. Carina can be a pain sometimes though, she does it on purpose. So everything is all good until one day. I don’t remember the date, and I don’t need to. It’s just a day where my life changed, again. Mrs. Tate comes to me and says “Mrs. Temme just called me, and she said that Cape Henry has decided not to take you back” she said that “ Mrs. Temme feels that they are getting in the middle of a custody dispute, and they want no part of it”. So now I’m saying to myself of course. Of course this happened. Why was I so foolish? Foolish enough to believe everything was going to work out the way I planned. I had my hopes up. I thought it was actually going to happen. I was going to have the chance to graduate from the only school I’ve really known, the only school I ever wanted to know. I was so wrong. So now I’m sitting here writing this entry. Telling whomever decides to read this that as of right now I am a high school drop out. I have nowhere else to go. We haven’t had the chance to try to register me in any other school. Registration for most the schools I believe is over with now anyway. There’s nothing else I can do. That we can do. My mom is trying to convince Mrs. Temme that there is not custody dispute but I think she is falling on deaf ears. And Lord knows that we cannot afford an actual Cape Henry tuition. We just were not fortunate enough to have the funds needed to attend but we were fortunate enough that I still could attend. Now if you do decide to read this entire entry. I only ask you one thing. Please don’t broadcast all of this to other people. It is for your eyes only because you took the time to read it, hopefully to read it all. You can tell them to go read it, I don’t have a problem with that but I want them to read it if they care to know any of this. Don’t let them take the easy way out. Also, if you do read this please comment with anything you like, even if it’s just hey or I love you. I never seem to hear that enough. I don’t know where to go from here. I don’t think anyone does. The other day I held the door for someone and he said Thank You. Then he tried to talk to me he asked me “ How are you doing”. I replied “You don’t even want to know”
11th August 2005
It's About Time
FOR THE FIRST TIME IN A LONG TIME I CAN ACTUALLY SAY, THAT I THINK EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OKAY. I GOT DOWN ON MY KNEES YESTERDAY TO PRAY, AND NOW MY SMILE IS HERE TO STAY.
9th August 2005
You know life is funny. Well at least for me. It seems that whenever I have a feeling that everything will work out, that just maybe everything I'm involved in will turn out for the best. It doesn't happen. It's almost a full blown fact now. I've observed this on so many occasions that it has to be considered so. I don't know why this happens so frequently all I know that it happens. I think that if hardship and pain was a flavor of ice cream, then I've tasted it to many times and grown very tired of it. I even look at my username for my livejournal, tryin2makeit. And I realize what I'm tryin to make it to. It's not out of high school, or into college, or into the music business which is my overall aspiration. I'm just trying to make it day by day. I'm trying to make it through the daily wear and tear. Now I know I've had prior entries that were along these same lines, and to all thay read this I don't want you to think that I am just self-loathing. I am just trying to get all of my feelings and my emotions out because I can only keep them bottled up for so long. I just don't know what to do. I've been thrown so many curveballs in life, some I've been able to step up to the plate and knock out of the park, other I've been too afraid to swing, and some I've swung at but as the ball passes my bat all I ever here is "strike".Why is this? I wish I knew. I guess God is trying to test me, test my will, trying to see how strong I am, well to tell the truth I am growing weaker and weaker as every second passes.My feelings have done a complete three sixty. I had been so happy, because I'm back home with all those who I love and miss verey much, but now I'm at my lowest point ever. I'm not even on the surface, not even just below it, I've penetrated so far, that I'm only a few yards away from the depths of hell. I was sitting and thinking, which is something I have do often just so I can collect my thoughts and so that I can view every situation from a rational standpoint. While doing my reflecting I decided to write a poem, so enjoy. :
As each day passes a part of me dies
And there is no tissue for my unanswered cries
I should have known that things wouldn't work as I had planned
I can't take this pain anymore and I don't think they understand
They ship me off, they ship me back, it's a pattern that will never end
Maybe all I really need in the world is a special friend
One that could easily ease all of my pain
One that can ensure that all my days are sunny, with no more rain
One that can turn some things that are sour, into something sweet
One who can be very loud, and miles from being discreet
Yes I know my criteria is quite extensive
The friend I need must have good taste and therefore, be expensive
He must be dependable and be very consistent
He must make sure that the job gets done, no matter what the cost, meaning be persistent
He must be my friend for the rest of my life, and perhaps he can take it
The bond we form must be so strong that it is impossible to break it
He needs to love me as a father should love a son
I think my perfect companion in actuality is a gun
A gun can ensure my troubles all just start to melt
After I'm dead it might be the best I've ever felt
Others may think I'm crazy, but my friend knows I'm not insane
If I can borrow a few seconds of your time please let me explain
It's kind of hard to love the earth when so much bad happens here
And you have plans and aspirations and others interfere
And then you try to tell others that everything isn't right with you
And all they ever have to say is " Hey man you'll make it through"
But not you my friend you always have a kind word
The sound it makes when a trigger is pulled is one of the sweetest sounds I've heard
And as I put you to my head make sure you do the deed fast
So I can quickly forget all the pain that's in my present and past
Don't pause for even a second, I can't take a second more
Because a second longer is the future, and I know there is lots of pain in store
The feel of steel is bitter sweet like a glass of tang
Goodbye world, Goodbye friends, and lastly Goodbye..... BANG!
4th July 2005
THE ONLY PERSON I NEED IS ME. FUCK EVERYBODY ELSE.
23rd June 2005
MORGAN ( All Caps so you know it's official)
SOO, Morgan wanted me to reply to her comment. SO I thought I would do her one better, I will have an entry dedicated to her. So I was sitting at my computer decided to see if anybody had commented on my last entry. I saw that there was one comment so me, hoping that it was Jackie decided to check it and look who it was, it was you. I guess I just have all bad luck. But, anyways you want to know how I'm going to remember you? That's kinda complicated. I guess you could say I'm going to remember you as someone I love to love, love to hate, hate to love, and hate to hate. I loved to love you because you are you, you are a really sweet, caring, and beautiful girl, when you want to be. That's why I say I love to love you. Who couldn't love someone like that. However, there are always two sides to every story or person for the most part. I say I love to hate you, because I always have fun messing with you. Especially when you act like you all big and bad and you get mad, that wold always crack me and Charlie up. I hate to love you because of all the shit we put each other through. We use to always, constantly, every second of every hour, fight. That what we always did, I don't always remember what about I just remembe that we did. Also, in like 7th grade when we first started talking online. I would always say " Morgan, I love you" and your response 99.9% of the time was "cool". That was soo devastating cause I'm thinking to myself what do I have to do to get this girl to want to be my friend. I guess eventually I started saying the righ tthings, or coming at you the correct way because our relationship now is way past those stages. HOWEVER, I can recall a time hmm last year when a certain someone who will remain nameless said " I am just a girl that sits next to you, in some of your classes, I'm nothing special to you" I don't know if she still feels the same way but I hope she doesn't. Now the hate to hate part. I say that because when we did get into our petty fights, for some reason that was the only thing that consumed my mind. All I could ever think about was "How can I get Morgan to not be mad at me anymore" or " Should I talk to her, or should I give her some space" or " I hope she doesn't stay ,ad at me forever, I can't imagine not having her being my friend". That's all I ever thought until you and I became cool asgain for like 3 minutes and then you would get mad at me and it would restart the cycle all over again. So pretty much all that sums up what I told you a while back, " Sometimes I want to say I love you a million times, sometimes I want to chop your head off and use it for a soccer ball". Through it all though, through the good, bad, and the ugly I still love you and always will. I just started thinking I might make three of your wishes come through with this entry. One is I'm responding to one of your comments, Two is I think you told me you wanted me to dedicate an entry to you before, And 3 I think you have always wanted me to write a poem or a song or something about you so I decided to go head and do that to. I tried to think of a nice, clever title but I couldn't so I'm just going to call it Morgan. Also I decided to change my writing style with it so I hope everyone that reads this can understand how the song is suppossed to move. :
We've had our good times, our bad times, but through it all you're still mine, I wouldn't change a single thing between you and me.
Cause you're special, you're one of a kind, I can never get you off my mind, I miss everyone but I miss you especially.
Without you I don't know what to do, I'm feeling down, I'm feeling blue, You should be with Winnie the Pooh because your my honey.
I miss everything about you, from the way you talk to the things you do, I Love You more than Donald Trump loves money.
We've been together through it all, you are there to catch me when I fall, and I'm hoping that is where where you'll always be.
So Morgan I just want you to know, I'm going to plant some seeds so our friendship can grow, and let you know your love has always been exemplary.
So I'm sending you all my love, and praying up to the Lord above, that he will reunite you and me eventually.
But if we never meet again, I want no regrets with you my friend, I've said it before but I'll say it again, you're special to me.
22nd June 2005
I will remember you. Will you remember me?
I was just recently thinking about some individuals that left a profound imprint on the world. From all different walks of life. I thought about Martin Luther King jr. and how he may have single-handedly formed America to what it is today. I thought about Ray Charles and how his vision and genius transcended basically every type of music people listen to daily. I thought about Michael Jordan and how he will always be regarded as not only the greatest Basketball player to ever live but possibly the greatest athlete period. So that got me thinking,how will I be remembered, what will my legacy be. When I'm gone and people think about me what kind of thoughts will run through their head. I know how I would like to remembered. I would like to be remembered as an all- around nice guy. Someone who at least attempted to do the right thing in most situations. Also someone that cold also help a friend through what ever they needed. So please tell me, How will you remember me?
7th June 2005
The Feelings of a Man Who Has Just Given Up On Everything.
Have you ever really wished for something. I think I have in the past before, I came to the great state of South Carolina. But ever since that fatal day, I've been wishing, hoping, praying, about many things. And as I sit back and reflect very few of my wishes, prayers, and hopes have to come to pass. I guess I am just one of those poor unlucky souls that is forced to pity themselves. I know that I have it better than millions maybe even billions of people. I have a home, a family, and I'm blessed to live in the United States. Even with all of that I still find it hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I don't exactly know what is wrong with me. Maybe I'm feeling a lack of love. I feel like I am on a one way street that is deserted, I feel like I am on a path that no other person has ever tread. I wish I could come out of this mood, but I haven't yet. In all honesty I have probably been feeling like this for the past 7 months. My birthday is a month away from today, and am I thinking about birthday plans, or things I want when I turn "Sweet Sixteen", no I'm wondering will I even make it to sixteen. I'm sick and tired of people, people who just flat out don't care about me or my well-being. Right now I am alone, no matter what anyone else has to say about. Even if you comment saying " Oh Kyle I miss you, I'm here for you", I'm not gonna give a fuck so you might as well not waste your breath on it (figuratively speaking). I don't know what to do with myself. I mean ya'll know me, I'm usually a "happy go-lucky" kind of guy. Nothing can usually keep me down. And when adversity does rear it's ugly head I'm usually able to cope with it, and keep it moving like nothing is wrong with me. Well I guess I am unable to do that anymore. This experience in South Carolina has been too debilitating, for me to be able to use my normal coping mechanisms. I don't know which way to turn. There's nowhere for me to go. I'm stuck on a train track and the train is moving at a grueling pace. I can feel the tracks shaking, I can hear the blowing of the whistle, I can smell the burning of the steel on steel, and I have no possible way of stopping it. Praying to God that an outside force can help me get out of this bind that I've gotten myself into. I'm wheezing, I'm gasping, I'm barely breathing, and I'm hoping someone can come in and breathe new life. I'm not depressed , I'm not depressed, I'm not depressed. I have to keep telling myself that, even though I'm just lying to myself. Maybe I'm feeling a lack of camaraderie. I don't know how to fix it. So much, and too much has changed between me and my "friends" that I find it hard to even make an attempt to try to see what's going on with them in Good Ole' Virginia Beach, because of the pointlessness of it. I'm not there to see it happen so why would I want to hear about it, it would just make me think about the fact that, I'm here and they are there, and there's nothing I can do about it. I have already missed so many crucial parts in their lives, to even call myself truly one of their friends. Things I would have liked to witness or been apart of. Things that will only happen once and never happen again. Monumental things that I wish I could have helped with have come and gone, never to return again. I think I have always been a pretty good friend to all of those I have come in contact with over the years. I have tried to be at least, sure I've fucked up, maybe told someone something I wasn't supposed to, but I'm only human. However, even if I did do that I knew that I still had a group of people who cared about me a lot, possibly loved me. However, everything has changed now I feel like all of that love, and care, and friendship has been depleted. Have you seen the Gatorade commercial when the guy is running in either a marathon or he is competing in the Iron-man triathlon or something, I don't know, but his body just gives out on him when he is 50 meters away from arriving to his dream destination, the finish line? That is exactly how I feel, but I haven't even started the race, as soon as the horn has sounded for the beginning of the race, I can't move, I can't even begin to dream of making it to the finish line. The only finish line I'm going to make it to is the one where I am now, where I am stuck is where I'm going to finish. I hope someone reads this, I hope someone reads this, I hope someone reads this. I really, truly, and genuinely think I need help, but I am not entirely sure what I need help with. I wish I could just go back. Just start from scratch, rewind. I truly, truly, truly, know why the Caged Bird sings now. She wants to be able to roam free, free to do whatever she pleases, with whomever she wishes to do it with. However, she is caged in, she is in prison, she has no hope, no perspective, no dreams of seeing the sun again. All she can do is sing. She can sing, and sing, and sing, but in the back of her mind she knows that the cage she is in will be her final resting place. She knows that there is no purpose to waste the time and energy, hoping that a change will come when it never is going to happen, and it never was. All she has is her song, that can provide her with a temporary, artificial joy. Joy that she must give to herself before she again realizes that she is still in the exact same predicament she was in before she began singing. I wish I could meet her and hear her song. Maybe I would sing back to her and we would make the most beautiful duet ever, it would be a song full of pain and strife, trials and tribulations, sorrow and sadness, and shear, pure, unadulterated hopelessness and pity. We both know that a change won't come, we both know we are stuck, her in a cage, and me in state of "depression" I am in. We are both trapped in this endless, depth-less, pit-less sorrow for ourselves. Maybe there is someone out there that can bring me out of this "stage" very quickly maybe someone I can call by name, or maybe someone I cannot. I hate being like this. I hate feeling like this. I'm sick and tired of having to try to let my feelings and emotions out but gaining nothing from it, I'm sick and tired of hoping, and wishing, and praying, that "maybe he will come through for me", or saying "Oh she has always been there for me, she wouldn't leave me now", and me being wrong every single time, with every single person. I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. I'm sick and tired of running in this race that I just can't win, so goodbye to you all until we meet again.
26th May 2005
I Got Questions That Need Answering
I don't know what I want to write, but whatever I type is going to stay. I wonder if anyone truly knows who I am. I was thinking about that and the truth is, nobody knows who I truly am. Now that could seem like a bold statement, seeing how I have a good amount of friends who might know me pretty well. However, I find that it is impossible for anyone else to know who I truly am, when I don't. I am a 15 year old that is struggling in all facets. I try to walk on the right side of the street but always seem to end up on the left. I am not very good with relationships anymore, as I have recently found out. Distance is the culprit. The people, my friends, who were the most important aspects of my life, no longer are, because we are all on two different planets. I don't know what's going on with them, and they don't know what's going on with me. Who is to blame? It is neither of us. It is hard to keep long distance friendships, it takes work, it takes commitment, it's a hardship. I do often reflect on some of the old days. Longing, wishing, hoping, to one day to be able to return to them. But there is a chance that I never will. I am s struggling music lover, with aspirations to make it big. When I was younger I thought it would be simple, you can sing, you can get a deal, and it's smooth sailing from there. However, with age also come new understanding and wisdom. I now realize that it is not just talent music execs are looking for. I need to step my game up. I need to find the one thing about me that would appeal to those who control who is " the next big thing", and who will spend there time just singing solos for their respective church choirs. Times are hard with me. I've gone through alotta shit the past 2 years ,that I never would have seen coming. Shit that I wouldn't even wish on my worst enemy. I miss my mother. Nobody could possibly fathom how much. Not being able to see my mom everyday has taken a toll on me as everyday passes of my tenure here in South Carolina. My saying tenure is kind of awkward since it is more of a military-like term. Someone stationed in Iraq, is considered to be on a tenure there. However, I feel the same way our troops feel. Longing for companionship, and camaraderie, longing to come home, longing for a time machine so I could revert back to the happy times in my life. Am I depressed? That is a question I often ask myself. I don't think I am but I might have some depression-like tendencies. No I don't contemplate suicide or anything like that, death is a promise, however I don't wish to seal my own fate. That is the Lord's job. I often think why do I think the way I do. I often think why am I going through the things I go through. This entry to starting to sound like a Jadakiss song, but we all must at one point in time ask ourselves questions to see how we are doing in the sanity department. Am I sane? Or am I slowly turning into this unfamiliar person that is foreign to everyone including myself? I ask myself questions all the time, you know the common (who, what, when, where, why, how). Why do people talk shit about other people? Why am I still living? Millions of people die daily, so why has God decided to keep me around one more day? Why do I have the friends that I have? AM I deserving of their friendship, are they deserving of mine? Will I ever get married? Will I ever find some to love me? Will I be a star? Will I be able to keep up with the grueling work schedules? Why was I born a black man? Why couldn't I have been born white, and had a better chance at attaining whatever I wanted instead of having to work twice as hard to get things other people take for granted? Why did all these other people control where I went after the tragedy happened with my mother? Why didn't anyone else step in? Why have all these people who said they would be with me through thick and thin, deserted me? Why couldn't I be smarter? Why can't I be more like Alex Spruiell in some aspects? Why is the disparity between public and private school, so clear and evident? Why is George W. Bush our president? How was able to accomplish this feat? Why was he able to cheat, and become the most important, and powerful person in the world? Why was I fortunate enough to born in America? How would my world be if The Civil Rights Movement, was halted as planned? Would slavery still exist? Would I be condemned to serving a white master for life, with no hope for tomorrow? Why are people in the world so greedy? Why is it that money is what makes the world go round? Why do so many people conform to what society deems as normal? How could a parent be so sadistic and sick, that they would be able to kill their own child? Did they not have the choice to partake in any type of sexual action? Why do people need friends? Can't those same friends be the ones setting you up for your downfall? Why do teens underage drink and smoke? Can't they see what it is doing to their bodies? Can't they see how irresponsible they are being? Why do drugs exist? Why would someone want to chase a "high" that is artificial and temporary? Why are they so addicting? Why is someone willing to to steal from another to be able to get the drugs they are after?. Why do people kill? Why would they want to ruin another's life? Would they want to be killed? Would they want to know the pain of a bullet penetrating straight through their chest? Why can't people just leave me alone? Do they think I always want to be bothered with what they have to say? Do they think I truly care about things that don't directly affect me? Why do I have a father? Do I need one? Would I go to hell if I brutally murdered him in his sleep? Would I get caught? Or could I get away? Am I going to heaven or to hell? Do heaven and hell exist? Is it just an imaginary thing that was produced to make us all believe in religion? Is there truly life after death? Why are all black people supposed, to be "gangsta"? Why can't we all just view each other as individuals? Why do people compromise their individuality to be accepted by their peers? Will we ever see that everyone is the same? Will we ever see that that no race is superior to the other? Why was Hitler such a smart man? What would America be like if The South had won the Civil War? Why is the Klan still marching? Why is there so much hate in the world? Is there more people loving each other, or hating each other in the world? Why do white people love to say the word "nigger"? Why are they so afraid of black people? Are they unable to let black people just have one word that they can call their own? Why do white women clutch their purses a little bit tighter when I walk by? Are they scared of what I might do? Would they be more comfortable if I was wearing Quicksilver clothing? Why am I still breathing? Do I really exist? Are we all just pawn's in some kind of imaginary world, and being controlled by some sort of greater being? Where did words get their different connotations from? Why does the word " cool" have different meanings? Am I important? Is anyone in life more important than anyone else? Am I special? Have a really ever done anything worthwhile in my life? Have I ever truly helped someone with something? Have I ever helped you? Am I a good writer? Am I good enough to parlay it into a career? What is love?( baby don't hurt me) haha. Have I ever truly experienced love? Why is Latin sooooooo hard? Why are best friends able to fall out of friendships so easily? Do childhood friendships ever make it past the childhood stages? Will the "friends" that I have now still be the " friends" I have in later years? Are my thoughts deep? Are they making you think and contemplate? Are they making you ask yourself questions? Are you going to read this entire entry? Or are you just going to skim it? Are you going to let my words sink into your pores and your body like a bad infection? Or are you just going to take them at face value and let them be what they are, words? Did you enjoy this entry? Was it the best one I have ever written? Do I mean anything to you? Do you mean anything to me? Have I ever shown you that you do? Do I show my feelings for you clearly? Or can I be shady about what you mean to me? Is it just me or is 50 Cent the wackest nigga ever? Am I a good singer? Do I have what it takes to be a musical legend? If I died would you shed a tear for me? How many? Would you come to my funeral? Would you be sad? Relieved? Mad? Joyous? Emotional? Elated? Do you believe in love? Do I love you? Do you love me?
25th May 2005
Big Up to all the VA people. Even tho nobody wants to keep in contact with me. I don't blame ya'll tho. You gotta keep it moving, and so do I. Oh but slash the big up.
17th May 2005
I live to Bang
WUT UP BOOCHIE. I pledge my life to the Red Squalay. B's Up C's upside down. Brotherly Love Overcomes Our Depression. BLAT RYDA baby. Fuck all Crabs. Fuck the Blue. Click Clack Killa. 5 poppin 6 droppin. 5 sprayin 6 layin. 5 flaggin 6 draggin.
28th April 2005
The Best Song I Have Ever Written
So what it is everybody.I haven't made a real post in a long time. So I was searching for topics, and while doing that I wrote a song. So for lack of a better post idea, I am going to post it. This song is amazing, haha. I have no title for it, but I feel it doesn't need one. As soon as you read all of the words, you will know exactly what I am talking about. This is the first time I have written a song that is not all about breaking someone's heart, or having mine broken. This is a song with some grit. I hope everyone who reads it likes it, because it will be on the radio one day. So brace yourselves as you witness the best song I have ever written. :
Come a little bit closer babe, you know what it's time for. Tonight it's going down on the bed, we not gonna' use the floor. I'm just like Dora baby, cause you have so much I want to explore. When it's going going down, imma' be sure, I have you begging for more. My love is like a gift girl, and trust me my package is wrapped up tight. This is kinda like Christmas girl, but this gift-giving gonna' happen at night.
Chorus- Girl we going up and down, and up and down, baby can you feel it? Girl we going up and down, and up and down shhh! I don't want the neighbors to hear it. Girl we going up and down, and up and down, baby I'm bout to lose it. Girl we going up and down, and up and down this is my love so baby don't abuse it.
Slow it down just a lil' bit, you moving just a lil' to fast for me. Girl I get weak in the knees when you put that thing on me. You want it a lil bit harder girl?, I'll see what I can do. Here is that better now?, ooh baby girl I'm feeling you. Don't stop what you doing girl, cause it feels so nice. Put a lil thrust in it, and I'll be in paradise.
Chorus- Girl we going up and down, and up and down, baby can you feel it? Girl we going up and down, and up and down shhh! I don't want the neighbors to hear it. Girl we going up and down, and up and down, baby I'm bout to lose it. Girl we going up and down, and up and down this is my love so baby don't abuse it.
SOOOOOOO tell me what you think. Ight True Blue is out. Be Easy.
OHHHHH p.s. If Morgan or Jackie comment comment on the song first, then tell me how much you love me and miss me, haha. Ight peace.
20th April 2005
I feel mad dumb
Ok. While I was trying to some things to make my journal more aesthetic I realized something. I misspelled Tribulations. All these smart mothafuckas i.e Niraj, Spruiell that read my journal never even picked up on that. Ok I guess I shouldn't have said all those seeing how only two names could fir the description. Anyway, just thought I would say that. I feel so dumb. I had to laugh at myself. Ight The kid Kyle aka Young Escalade aka Virginia aka Suspicious is out. Be Easy.
13th April 2005
Help a nigga out
Hello to all my adoring fans. I hope all is well with eveyone. For those who don't know I have been in a writing drought(when it comes to songs) lately. Then while I was sitting in my Geometry class things suddenly began flowing again. So I am going to type out my two newest songs. If you happen to stumble upon this, please comment and be brutally honest. If you love it tell me, if you think I should never write another song again tell me. Although I think Niraj and Spruiell are the only two who will definatey read this, I want whoever does to try to get others to read it, so I can know if I'm back or if my lyrics are wack. Speaking of Niraj on the second song I need your help. After you read it see if you can dream up a chorus you feel would fit or possibly even a second verse. Now I say Niraj, but actually it is an open invitation to whoever reads this entry. I only say Niraj because I know of his writing talents. Ight enough of this extracurricular stuff lets get to the music. The first song is titled I'm Missing You. I wrote this so it would flow with the specific melody I composed so the words I chose flow with it. :
I'm Missing You
Since I've lost you baby, I don't know what to do. The birds ain't singing, the sun ain't shining, and the sky don't look so blue. I know you were tired of the wrong I was partaking of. But girl I need you back, because I'm missing your love. We don't need to be apart, we don't need any space. I'm crying every night, because I'm missing your pretty face. Us parting ways, it wasn't my choice. Through my dreams at night, all I hear is your voice. Baby I'm so lost, I don't know what I'm gonna' do. In case you couldn't tell, baby I'm missing you.
Girl I'm missing you. I know you miss me to. You stay on my mind. Because you are one of a kind. So girl this is my plea. I really need you so come back to me. Please don't go away. I think about you everyday.
I remember the first day we met. I knew you'd be the one I never would forget. Because when we were face to face so we could meet. All I did was look at you and my heart skipped a beat. Girl I apologize, for all the things I've done. I'm trying ot tell you now, in my heart you'll forever be number one So baby tell me this, can things go back to the way they were. Cause baby you gotta' know, I'm in love with you not with her. I've loved you from the start, baby girl I thought you knew, I just hope you know, I am missing you.
Girl I'm missing you. I know you miss me to. You stay on my mind. Because you are one of a kind. So girl this is my plea. I really need you so come back to me. Please don't go away. I think about you everyday.
Ok that's song one. Now song two is incomplete and it is the song I am asking for help on. All I have is one verse. This song is the polar opposite of the previous one. The last song I fucked up, but now the shoe is on the other foot. It is called Feelings Change.
I remember when I saw you. all I took was one glance. I had to go and talk to you. All I had, was that one chance. So I approached you so smoothly, and asked you "Can I have this dance". I tried to be the first man in your life, to show you true romance. Now that special moment is frozen in time. I wish I could forget it, because your someone else's your not mine. You know I used to love you so much. But now I've forgotten your touch. I wish, I could get you out of me head. I wish, I would have cheated on you instead. I don't love you, because you have destroyed my heart. I thought you were the one, but you couldn't fit the part. These thoughts I'm having girl they feel so strange, but now I know why, it's because feelings change.
That's all I have and I could really use some help finishing it. So please let me know if you were feeling the songs at all.
8th April 2005
Tell me what you think
I was looking at something I wrote about a year ago. It was strange because it brought tears to my eyes. The poem is called Fly Away. It is a son talking to his father about the things that go on in the world. Tell me if you like it or not. :
Father- As you wake up what do you say?
Son- I wish that I could just fly away.
Father-As you work hard what do you say?
Son- I wish that I could just fly away.
Father- Why my child do you always say "I wish that I could just fly away"
Son- Because my father I cannot stay,, on this land where all of these fiends lay.
Father- My son, you should have faith and always pray, for here on on Earth is where you must stay. For it would be to the Lord's dismay, if you were to just fly away.
As long as you know son, we will fly away, when it comes to be our dying day.
So do you hate it or love it? haha I'm still on top.
4th April 2005
Home Sweet Home
So I just had the opportunity to return back to VA Beach. I had a great time seeing everyone again. While at face value I was enjoying myself it also troubled me to see everyone again. The hardest part about coming was knowing that I had to leave. I was so excited to see everyone again though. Although two of my friends who will remain nameless, were going through a little pre-school drama, and I was pulled right in the middle of it. I miss her. I miss the way she makes me feel. I miss waking in her every morning. And falling asleep inside of her every night. I miss the people she has introduced me to. I miss the places I used to go and she would be there right by my side. She thinks I’m cheating on her now, but this new girl could never do what she does for me. While I’m with this new girl my baby is the only thing on my mind. I am always thinking about what has changed with her. Is she just how I remember her? Or has she moved on, to bigger and better things. I will never forget her. She is my love. My one and only from day one. And she will remain the same to me until I die, with her right by my side. She is my love, my confidant, my home, she is Virginia Beach.
20th March 2005
Since it is Sunday I was sitting and considering the Christian faith. I was thinking about how I believe I am condemned to go to hell. Now do I do things that are terrible, by all means no, but would some of the things I do make it so I cannot make it to heaven, well that is my gray area. This had been bothering me so I decide I would investigate. So I picked up arguably the greatest book ever written,The Bible so I could ponder on some of the verses. As I read there seemed to be sort of a void like I was not able to find the answers I was looking for. So I put it down and put my best foot forward to come up with a realization of my own. I thought about people that use profane language, a club which I among what i would think billions of others is apart of. Considering that there is no place in The Bible that states " cursing is a sin" should I automatically believe that because the it is not deemed acceptable in the world that the Lord also would not want me saying these things. After all they are just words. What is the difference between the word "fuck" and the word "dog", truly there isn't one it is just that the world put them into a different context. What if fuck was the word for a dog, and vice versa. This had been on my mind since I was watching one of those preachers that preach on television. This preacher was discussing the topic of Hip Hop. He said this " To all those who listen to hip hop, you will be hopping your hips right into hell". This disturbed me a bit because I am a huge fan of that genre of music. I found it hard to believe that just because I might be listening to that specific kind of music that I am condemned to go to hell. The Puritan preacher Jonathan Edwards preached this way to the Puritans during that time period. He believed that as soon as everyone was born they were going to Hell except for ones that God had predetermined would join him in heaven. So this makes me want to ask him a question. To make it to heaven do I have to walk around helping the elderly people cross the street, and give all of my money to charity. Well if that is so, than a very small minority of humans are going to heaven. We are always taught that heaven is good, and hell is bad. But it seems like the concept of making it to heaven is unattainable at times. Truthfully, i feel that the times of the Puritans are still clear and evident because their teachings seemed to be instilled in our modern-day Christianity. It seems like preachers are always telling us what to do, and how we need to have a spotless "closet" to join of father in heaven, when there closets are probably filthy. Case in point, my father who is one step away form becoming a certified preacher. Now I already informed you of how me and him are on my last post so I will not re-open that can of worms, but now I see him about to become a preacher that makes me think anybody of the street could put on a nice little suit every Sunday and become someone who is supposed to be preaching the word of God to aid us that chose to follow a religion. I also have another problem with Christianity. I dislike the fact that there are different religions within one religion. If all so called Christians believe in God, and also believe that Jesus Christ came to wipe away our sins why do they different teachings. Catholics teach different than Methodist, Baptist is a totally different religion from Jehovah's Witnesses but we are supposed to all be Christians. Also if people who accept the word of God are supposed to be "saved" what happens to people who follow the Hindu religion, or those members of the Nation of Islam. If our God is supposed to be the greatest being would he truly leave that billion of people out to dry. These are all questions that I feel I need answers to. I want to know where I stand with the Lord. Now anyone who reads this don't think I am turning into an atheist and stating that I no longer believe in God, because that would be the polar opposite form the truth. I know God exist, I know miracles are real. Everyone kept saying things like my mom wont be able to make it through this stroke, and there is a 10% chance she will ever be able to walk again among other things, but what is she doing right now, walking around like there is nothing wrong becoming stronger than ever. I could have easily got down on myself and say " I've lost my mother" but in doing that I would be listening to what the people of the world say, and not putting all of my faith in God. So until the day I die I will be a devout Christian supporter, i just feel that there are a few flaws in the way the messages are being delivered to the followers. I want to go to heaven, but for some reason I have a feeling that I might just fall short.
19th March 2005
What's a dad for dad
Well another day God has blessed me to live. I didn't really know what I was going to write about but then I really started considering my current situation. I was thinking about the relationship that my father and I share, which for who don't know Isn't that great. As I was thinking about how this man, who is supposed to be the guiding light in my life, who was supposed to be the savior for me and my little brother, should have just left me where I was. I was reading some statistics and I came across one that was something like 65% of children who grow up in a father-less home will go one to commit some type of felony, drink underage, or do drugs. That totally blew my mind. I didn't know that a father was supposed to have so much impact in one person's life. I guess I wouldn't know because I feel he has had no impact. I mean I always have known him. I had always made little trips to SC during the Summer, or at Christmas. But that was it. To tell the truth, all was to me was a check. A check that never came that often either. I made a promise to myself that I would never be like him because flat out, he is not a good person. So for those who have a good father in their life I applaud you. You are a very lucky person and you should cherish him, and love him. So now that he is " in my life" I wish he would just go back to being that every once and awhile check. If you ask most people who their heroes are I'm sure a few of them would say their father. Well when I was thinking about some of my heroes, and I wrote a poem kind of like a tribute to them. However, they do not fit the mold of what one usually associate with the word hero. These heroes do cannot fly, they do not have super speed, or have the ability to disappear any time they see fit. They cannot throw a football 75 yards. They cannot dunk a basketball. They cannot sing every note on a perfect pitch, or make a rap song that keeps your head nodding. They don't climb into building that are blazing with fire. Or arrest criminals while everyone else is sleeping. My heroes are different. That is why my poem is called a different kind of hero. :
What is a hero? This word means many things. They range from athletes, to firemen, from rappers, to kings. Heroes are respected for the various things they do. They were destined for greatness since birth everyone close to them knew. But what about the ones everyone doesn’t know? For those individuals are truly the strongest heroes. What about the young girl who wanted her name in lights? Who had a rough childhood many tears and many fights. But worked extremely hard to conquer all that was in her way. And her hard work paid off for she is very successful today. She is not a star, no one famous, not the path she had wished to go. But because of her strong work ethic she is a hero.
What about the single mother who struggles each and every day? Who has to work three jobs so her family has a place to stay. Who loves her children with all her heart through rain, sleet, hail, or snow. And because she will never give up she is a hero.
What about the mentally challenged child who is ridiculed and deemed strange? Who goes home each and every night and pray for people’s cold hearts to change. He suffers each and every day but wants his true intellect to shine. Because of his never-ending spirit he is a hero of mine. What about the high school teacher who wants to teach others to learn? Who struggles and often wonders if she were a doctor what salary would she earn. But never in her wildest dreams would she be able to know. That to one of her students she was an inspiration and a hero. All of these people are heroes for abilities they contain. Just because they are not superstars doesn’t mean they’re plain. So before you label someone and try to box him or her in. Think twice because there might just be a hero lying within. This whole post started because i was contemplating about my father. I was also thinking about the song " Sometimes I feel like a Motherless child" which is an old negro spiritual. It is the same for me but I feel like a fatherless one. And quite honestly that would be just fine with me.
17th March 2005
I need some advice
OK everyone I could really use some advice with a situation I had to face today. So I was on my way walking to my chorus class and me and this other guy bumped into each other and I said my fault and kept on walking. For those who don't know I was bloodin for a little while, and I guess he was aware of that because he started yelling out " Blat Killa, Blat Killa". People yell this to disrespect people who are with the Bloods. Blat stands for blood, and killa is self-explanatory. Furthermore, I politely told the young man that I wasn't a gang member so him saying that wasn't disrespecting me. I decided to take the high road because I could have easily said Frog Killa because from what he was wearing I could tell he was a member of the Folk gang. So I kept walking and he jumped in front of me and started sizing me up. Then he said ight you mothafuckin slob( another disrespectful thing to say to Bloods) square up. So I did I had my hands up and I was getting ready to throw. But then I thought about what I was doing and I put my hands down. I did this because, I am not tryin to catch five days and fail the tenth grade for fighting in school. Now some niggas down here are is sayin I'm soft cause I aint beat tha bricks off that punk nigga. But I told them I cant afford to fail. So I need some advice. Do you think I was soft for gracefully bowing out. Or did I do the right thing. Fuck fighting at school me and dat lil bitch can fight at Wal-mart and I'll give dat lil pussy nigga all he can handle. haha. That just lets yall know that Wal-mart is like tha only mothafuckin thing I got where Im at. But anyway, I would really appreciate some kind words. More formal entries are yet to come, but I thought maybe someone out there would be able to help me out. Be easy.